Saturday, February 13, 2010

Vardoger

Prompt: A family’s life changes dramatically after they are bequeathed an old painting in the will of an obscure relative.
This story has been removed for further editing and refining.. Hopefully it will be submitted to competitions and perhaps an Anthology...


thanks for popping by when it WAS up.. and leaving your comments

15 comments:

terryhaferkamp said...

I like the twist. Kept waiting for it but was surprised at the direction it went. Good story

Your Friendly Neighborhood Palindrome said...

I've been working on a doppleganger story off and on...so I loved that twist!!

Adam Byatt said...

Very cool twist to the story. There has been a common thread to the interpretation of the prompt and the use of similar genres. Great piece to read.

Mia said...

This is like a twilight zone episode. Gave you goosebumps and made you never want to stare at old paintings. Nice one.. like it!

Rose said...

I like the relationship you've created between the Mum and the Dad- I honestly had no idea that you were going to take the story in the direction you did until you did it- it gave me goose bumps!! If you've ever read or seen the movie 'Witches'- a girl gets stuck in a painting- oooo- that used to give me nightmares!! Love it!! :)

elizabethditty said...

I love vardogrs & doppelgangers. :-) Such an interesting bit of mythology/folklore. Really like the spin you've put on it here. Nice work!

jodicleghorn said...

As always your title gives something away and as always I'm too dumb (or uneducated to get it!)

I love this story...

My only comment is perhaps less is more in this case - I would cut the ending off with this:

“Everything perfect Mumma. I’ve decided I love this painting. I’’ll just die if you ever get rid of it. “

While the extension beyond this gives some insight into why the old aunt went crazy and how it came into the family's possession.. perhaps there is a way of explaining this earlier on in the story - maybe Wendy makes a comment about how the will is very old, and Tomik says it is legally binding - it was made before she went mad and was committed??

If it were to stop at that point - you would create in the reader the same feeling of having the air sucked out of you = because that was the experience I had. It has such a terrible impact, a wonderful twist, that I feel you dilute it with the conversation afterwards.

As always, beautiful (*envious*) descriptive narrative - loved the dust bunnies dancing in the ray of light and the spit combining with it.

A definite keeper...

Tony Noland said...

This was great, Annie. The wicked old aunt was portrayed perfectly.

Chris Chartrand said...

I really wanted the mother to get sucked in. Oh well, still a great story. I love the theatrical waving bit.

mazzz in Leeds said...

Creepy!
Thge poor aunt, getting institutionalised for trying to warn people about the evil painting!

I had a creepy girl in my story this week too :-)

Cathy Olliffe said...

Another story about little girls!!!! SO funny... not your story, Annie... I'm sorry, your story was fabulous, really! I'm just giggling about how many flash stories I've read this week about little girls... and, as Mazz says, most of them are creepy!
I was really hoping the father would get sucked in because he brought the bad painting home and forced it on his daughter. Men, eh? They never listen!!!!!

hedgemonkey said...

Spooky indeed. All the more chilling because it is a young life that gets the non-happy ending. Didn't see that one coming ... I thought you had the father in your sights.

Laura Eno said...

Too bad the dad didn't get sucked in. :) Great tale and spooky.

Clive Martyn said...

Very, very evil :) Great story - well done. Definitely no antique pictures for my daughter's bedroom, she can stick to Hannah Montana :)

peggy said...

Well, I learned a new word. Loved the story and the descriptions too.

Good things happen to bad people; bad things happen to good people--I like that the story just happened.